Tuesday, January 13, 2009
having headache again...
=(
stomach isn't feeling well recently also...
=(
im not myself at work since i came back to work...
in a state of refusal to communicate...
and in fear...
fear of saying the wrong things...
and some stuffs reminds me of unhappy stuffs...
in a state of denial last week...
it's like im stuck in a box...
knowing that ive to get out and see the big picture...
yet im unable to do so...
the feeling sux cause it feels like suffocating...
i know i know...
the whole problem probably just lies with me...
majority part...
nobody else is at fault...
it's just me la...
my character, thinking, behavior & attitude just clashed...
it just upset me...
like a scar...
i really don't understand...
why why why...
why did i reply the way i do...
why did i even reply in my heart sliently...
this is no good...
really bad...
it just made me more 反感 towards her...
and i just can't...
if she is a nobody...
i won't be feeling the way i do...
but she is a somebody...
and i do not want to give up anybody just to make her a nobody...
what the hell manx...
i really dont know what is wrong with me...
she is not a bad person...
in fact, she is a nice person...
too nice a person...
and this is the first time im upset over someone that is nice...
that is nice to me...
argh...
i know that she is suffering cause of me now...
probably...
she probably wondering what did she do wrong to be treated like that...
ya la ya la...
i sux...
i shld not treat her the way i do...
i shld treat her the way i did in the past...
but everything changed...
overnight...
i need to forgive...
but maybe not forget...
how can i forget...
someone who nearly made me lose the person i love and cherish...
and that person love and cherish me too...
how can i forget...
someone who made me hate myself... blame myself...
and i hate to hate or blame myself...
how can i forget...
someone who indirectly caused so much unhappiness in me...
just days before i turned 21...
and days after i turned 21...
i know i know...
it's always me, myself and i...
im a self-centered person...
but im the kinda person who life = happiness...
who love myself more than anything on earth...
who memories are the most impt things...
and now they are destroyed...
at least temporary...
nobody will understand the pain inflicted in me...
nobody will understand how 痛苦 im feeling...
how sick i feel...
how upset i feel...
how i tried hard to hide whatever im feeling...
but i know that i will not be able to hide all that im feeling...
how i feel that it's useless to cry over it after i cried for a few hrs...
and tears never come out again...
she said that she is only scared that im angry with her...
what she doesnt know is that i cannot be angry with her!!!
i want to hate her...
but i can't...
i want to be angry with her...
but i can't...
i want to be upset with her...
but i can't...
i want to ignore her totally...
but i can't...
i want to tell her off all my unhappines...
but i can't....
i want to speak out my mind...
but i can't...
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it
i hate what im feeling now...
i hate that i can't get outta the box...
i hate for thinking what im thinking...
i hate for feeling what im feeling...
i hate for what im replying...
ARGH!!!!
i feel like im falling sick soon...
i feel like im breaking down soon...
the only pillar im holding to now...
is my dear...
he's been really nice and patience to me recently...
thanks dear...
and im sorry for everything...
i just have to rant...
scribbled at 1/13/2009 11:16:00 AM